Happy Kids
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Forum and Advice
for
Managing Children's behaviour

cathy@cathyglass.co.uk

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Hi Cathy, I am at the end of my tether! My son is two and a half and within the last few weeks he has changed - having awfully scary tantrums. What am I doing wrong? Any ideas? Thank you,
Louise

CG: Hi Louise, You are not doing anything wrong. Your son is at the age when children test the boundaries - a lot. That's why it's sometimes called the terrible twos. Having said that I assume there haven't been any big changes in his life recently? Can I suggest to you my book Happy Kids for strategies to deal with his behaviour, and then email me again if you have any specific questions, when I will help you further. Take care. Cathy x

Hello Cathy, we adopted our son seven years ago and he is twelve now. He has started running away, truanting from school, and telling everyone who will listen that he wants to go back in care. I was wondering if you had any advice for us?
Gaynor

CG: Dear Gaynor, I am sorry to hear your son is going through a bad patch. I'm afraid he's of the age when he will test the boundaries. It is also the time when adopted children examine and question their history. What your son needs more than anything is reassurance that you are his permanent family no matter what he does. His real family - by law and in the role you play and the love you give him. Forget about promoting his birth family for now. He doesn't want to hear about that. So many times I see adopted parents, wanting to be politically correct, promote the birth family to the detriment of what they are giving. He wants normality - a normal family that is rock solid and not going to give up on him. The reason he is saying he wants to go into care is because he wants to hear you say: 'No! Never in a million years! You are our son. We are your parents. When you run away we will bring you home.' You will all come through this as a family but your son still needs firm boundaries for good behaviour and I suggest you read my book Happy Kids for strategies on how to achieve this. Cathy x

Having just finished Happy Kids I was shocked how many E-numbers are in our food.
Emma H - Facebook comment

My son is 11 months old and he throws a tantrum when I say ‘no’ to him. If he carries on I put him in his cot, but I can’t just leave him to cry as the health visitor suggested. Can you help please? He has a tantrum when he wants to climb stairs and I say no, when I go out of the room, when he wants to sit on my lap and I can't have him on my lap for some reason. Also, if I’m eating or drinking he has to have some of it and screams if I refuse. I'm not sure how I can go about showing him he can't always have his own way.
Natasha, 21

CG: Hi Natasha. Decide what your son can have and what he can't. Really think about this. Sometimes as parents, especially if we are stressed, we say no without really thinking about it. You should be saying ‘yes’ to him more times than you are saying no. If he really can't have something or has to be stopped from doing something, then say no and introduce him to a different activity. At his age, distraction is the best policy. He is far less likely to have a tantrum if his interest is immediately captured by an alternative activity. Children of this age can become insecure and cry if their main care-giver (you) goes out of sight so don’t worry about that. Take your son with you if you can or keep talking to him while you are out of sight. It will be reassuring for him to hear your voice when he can’t see you. Many a time I’ve sat on the toilet talking to a toddler on the other side of the door! Cathy x

I bought Happy Kids for when I foster but it has helped me loads with my kids.  I am a single mum to two children. I have read a few parenting books, yours is excellent and the technique works so well, I have been telling my friends too! 
Amy

We have been fostering a 9 year old boy, S, for 3 months who has very challenging behaviour. He was badly neglected and has a lot of problems. We want to do the best for him but he takes over and tells me what I am doing is wrong. He is so young in many ways and grown up in others. He is on medication for ADHD. He sleepwalks and has nightmares. He smacks the younger children we look after and also smacks the dogs. I am wondering if we should re-home the dogs? I need some advice.
Marie

CG: Dear Marie, it will take time to correct all of S’s behaviour. From your letter I can see you have already achieved a lot with S so give yourself a pat on the back. Keep the boundaries for good behaviour in place and reward and sanction as necessary, as you have been doing using the 3Rs. Cleary S has had a lot of responsibly (and power) so make sure he isn't 'top dog'. Please re-read the chapter in Happy Kids called Difficult Children to correct this. S will have to learn to be a child and this will take time. The nightmares and sleep walking are classic signs of severe abuse and neglect. Reassure S he is safe with you and leave a light on low at night. I would also ask for a referral to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service which offers therapy for children like S who have clearly suffered a lot before coming into care. Re your dogs - they stay.  There is no question of them going. Teach S how to respect the animals just as he is learning to respect other people. Reward and sanction him for his behaviour towards the dogs as you are doing with his other unacceptable behaviour. You have achieved so much in 3 months, and in another 3 months the child will be unrecognisable from how he is now. Let me know how you get on. Cathy.

I was so glad to receive your email. My husband and I were having such a tough time with S that to be honest were both feeling that perhaps it was time to ask for S to be moved to carers who were more qualified and experienced than us. However after receiving your email we have had a total turn around. Oh my goodness, you hit the nail on the head! The light has been turned on. We honestly did not consider or comprehend the idea that these poor children who have been so neglected and abused also get the chance to have power. This was exactly what was confusing us. Thank you for all your help. We are again feeling optimistic for our future with S.
Marie

Pause For Thought: Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.

Hello I'm big fan of you and your books. Right now I'm reading Happy Kids. I am worried about my two and a half year old brother who I look after while my mother works. He only speaks a few words although he understands everything people tell him. I have tried telling him words but he won’t repeat them. One day I repeated a word all day but he still refused to say it. The doctor said there isn’t a problem for a child his age.
Natali

CG: Well done for taking such good care of your little brother. That is very kind of you. I am sure your mother greatly appreciates it. I would take the doctor's advice and not be concerned about your brother's lack of speech.  I assume his hearing was checked and found to be fine. In which case he will be hearing the words and it is only a matter of time before he starts to repeat them. Children develop at different rates and he is only young. I think it is a good idea not to make an issue of it. Just keep talking to him as you have been doing and I am sure it won't be long before he is talking in sentences. However, if you and your mother still have concerns in six months time you could approach your doctor again

Hi Cathy, I have just become a nanny. I love it but the little boy can be very cheeky and says things like 'My mummy is the boss and only she can tell me what to do', and if I’m singing a song to the baby, he says 'She doesn’t like that song so can you stop singing it please?' Today he hit his bother and when I asked him to apologies he raised his voice and said 'Don’t look at me like that! I don’t like angry voices!’ despite the fact that I hadn’t used an angry voice, simply a firmer tone. I’m writing down everything in a diary to back myself up, but I’m worried that he will tell his parents things and twist it around. I’m telling the parents what the children have been doing every day, but there’s part of me that’s worried that his parents may misinterpret something. I think it’s mainly because he is used to having his mummy and daddy around all the time, and now I have come along. How would you deal with this situation?
x

CG: Congratulations on your new post. I am sure you are doing a great job although I can see why you are worried. You are right to be making notes of what the child says in respect of your care of him and his siblings. It is also appropriate to advise his parents. I think you can say to the parents that you feel he seems to resent your role so that if he does make an allegation they will have a better understanding of why. Foster carers see a lot of this type of behaviour and we always keep detailed log notes. You are right when you say that the boy is reacting because a nanny is now looking after him and not his mother. Even so he needs to learn that you are in charge and his comments are not acceptable. You can say this to him but it would be better if you and the parents sat down together to speak to him. Also, there are lots of useful tips and strategies in Happy Kids including a chapter especially for Nannies.

I am reading your book Happy Kids. It is the first book that has made any sense to me about raising kids. Thank you.
Youlla, Hong Kong.

I really got so much from your book Happy Kids. It has helped me with parenting my little girl and I have recommended it to my friends.
Rebecca.

Dear Cathy I have a 3 year old daughter and I am happy with her behaviour. My father is very strict and doesn't have much patience with young children. When we visit him he calls her naughty and shouts at her which leads to me arguing with him and saying “no she’s not naughty she’s 3”. I used to get hard smacks as a child and have memories of hiding from my dad behind the cupboard door. All my life I have lacked confidence and have very low self esteem. I don’t want her to have the type of upbringing I had as she is a confident happy little girl and I don’t want to destroy that. At the same time I don’t want to stop visiting my dad.
J

CG: Dear J, You are not alone in this situation, so many parents have to deal with their parents attitude to child-rearing. I fully appreciate your concerns and of course you are right in all you say. Your daughter is only doing what normal 3 year olds do. You don't say how often you visit your father but I am guessing it is quite frequent. I think you need to explain to your father (again) that you are bringing up your daughter to be a confident happy child and the boundaries for good behaviour that your daughter respects are the correct ones. If he persists in interfering then I suggest you reduce your visits or even stop them for a while. This will give him the wake up call he needs. Clearly he loves you and his granddaughter but cannot see the damage he is doing. Let me know how it goes.

Hi Cathy, I live in New Zealand and have your book Happy Kids. It is very well written and I am using your useful tips. I have a couple of things I would like to ask you. The first is about the little girl, B, aged 4, I look after regularly on respite. Her mother sulks and it is rubbing off on her daughter, so that if I have a word with B or have to impose discipline she will stop what she is doing and sulk. My usual response is "B… stop sulking or I will put you in time out" but to me it doesn't feel like the correct response. I have tried ignoring it but she will hide in a dark corner and not come out for a long time and I don't feel right about that either. I am wondering what else I can do? The other issue is with B interrupting whenever I praise my son. I praise her too, often, but that doesn’t seem enough. I really hope you can give me some advice. Thanks very much
Kourtney

CG: Dear Kourtney, you are doing a good job and handling the situation firmly but sensitively. In respect of B’s sulking, I would make light of it by acting slightly surprised and moving on- e.g. 'That's a funny face, B..,' then carry on with what ever you were doing. You are right when you say she shouldn't be left hiding in a dark corner for any length of time, but if you are dismissive of her sulking - making light of it - this is less likely to happen as it won't develop into an issue. In respect of her interrupting, I agree with your comments. Your son deserves his own praise. When B interrupts pause from what you are saying and without looking at B (thereby marginalizing her interrupting) say: 'I'll listen to you in a moment when I have finished talking to.....' If she flounces off in a sulk, ignore it, and carry on as normal. But if she hides in a dark corner for more than ten minutes bring her out. As you have realized B's behaviour is probably being learnt from her mother but it can be unlearned, although it will take time. Try the above, continue with the strategies you have been using and let me know how you get on. Cathy

Hi Cathy, I'm married with five children under the age of ten and we have had social services in our lives for just over a year because of the behaviour of some of my children. I would like to thank you personally because without your books, I would never have had the confidence to improve the way we deal with our children. I would never have heard of the 3R's (Happy Kids) which works and is a wonderful way to deal with children. I hated the thought of the naughty chair or step. Now with the 3R's put in place my home and family is very much calmer and more enjoyable. Before long we will be able to say goodbye to the social workers and move on as a family for a better future. Thanks to you and the 3Rs!
Melanie

Pause For Thought: Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.

Dear Cathy, I am a TA working with a 7-year-old boy – W - who suffers from ADHD and has shown very challenging behaviour. After replacing his computer time with board games his interest in activities has grown. He is calmer and more focused. He is using a routine I introduced - few work sheets in the morning, 15 minutes reading and some time spent in class. The school wants to get W back in class for the whole time. Do you think it is advisable to start each school day with some time in class rather than with worksheets? I would like to hear your comments on his behaviour. Best regards
Anne

CG: Dear Anne, Well done, you are doing a fantastic job by the sound of it. Your routine and methods have found a way in so that W can learn. In respect of the computer - children with ADHD often react badly to screens even for short periods - computer, TV, playstation etc. So you were right to replace this with a board game. In respect of reintegration into the classroom, this should be done in short periods at the same time each day. Routine is essential for a child like W… First thing in the morning for registration and first thing in the afternoon are good starting points. Registration is a controlled environment and W will be less tired and therefore less likely to react badly. This needs to be done as part of his IEP with the SENCO, class teacher, parent and anyone else involved aware. It is very important that children eat and drink regularly at school, particularly so with a child who has ADHD. Is W having water at regular intervals throughout the day and a small snack at morning break? If not his sugar levels will fall; he will become dehydrated and his behaviour and concentration will suffer. Lastly, can I suggest you revisit my book Happy Kids? I think you will find some chapters very useful now you are a TA to W. Very best wishes Cathy.

Hi Cathy, thanks for your helpful advice. I saw the school counsellor about W and what I got to hear touched me deeply: Little W struggles to come to terms with his father being in prison. He is overprotective towards his mother and constantly worries what she s doing while he is at school. He sees himself as 'the man in the house'. His mind is so busy with all those thoughts, that he is pre-occupied on many mornings. His counsellor told me that little W is mentally tired of all the contradictions in his head and can't be forced or disciplined on bad days. She also told me my task was to keep him occupied and comfortable rather than force him to learn. I find it a little sad that I was not told of his background in first place. It would have helped.
Anne

CG: Dear Anne, I guessed it was something to do with W’s home life, and yes, it is a great pity that you were not given this information at the start. Had you been the TA for a child I was fostering I would have made you aware and given you regular updates. I do not agree that W should just be kept occupied at school. He needs to learn and school is a safe and constant factor in his otherwise turbulent life. If I was working with him I would say something like: 'I know you have a lot of things going on in your life. I know you have lots of worries, which I understand. But it is important you learn so you can get a good job and a nice home and car, and do all the things you want to.' On a bad day he will reject this and say 'couldn't care a F… about my future' or similar. But the message will be going in. In his quieter moments W will think about what he would like to achieve, via a good education, compared to what his parents have. On a practical note, it may be he is having contact with his father in prison which could tie in with very bad days. Sadly this child is typical of so many I see. Cathy.

Cheer me up because I had an argument with my brother about something and then I said to mum I hate living at home and she said well leave then at least it will be quiet without you. This is all true.
K

CG: Disagreements are part of normal family life. We all disagree with our loved-ones sometimes, and say things we later regret. Your mum was hurt by your rejection of the home she has lovingly provided for you. Parents aren't saints; we just try to do our best. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. Sons and daughters aren't always saints either, so I suggest you all apologize and make up. Cathy.

Inspired by your books I have taken up a volunteering position with special needs children at a local primary. I am working alongside the SENCO who only sees the extremely challenging children in school. Applying your 3R method, I have already managed to turn around two children in relatively short time. The school has been so pleased with the methods and my work that they have offered me a paid position. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing a child who was completely out of control, enjoy listening, taking turns and behaving well. Some of the children have never experienced boundaries but soon learn that you do not set boundaries to get them into trouble but because you care about them.
Anne

Hi Cathy, my step-daughter (aged 3) came to live with us recently and she is taken out by her biological Nan once a week. She always comes back with expensive gifts which she shows to my son. This upsets me as I can not do the same for him every week as we're a low income family.
Alison

CG: Dear Alison, foster carers are often put in the same position in respect of gifts and their own children and foster children. Natural families who are not parenting their child or children can sometimes feel guilty and over-compensate by buying expensive presents and rarely disciplining the child. This is especially difficult when the family, like yours, has other children who receive a normal amount of gifts, attention and discipline. Have you tried talking to your step-daughter's Nan about this? If not I suggest that is the first step. You could say that not only is it causing a problem in your household but also her granddaughter is coming to view her (Nan) as the provider of gifts which is detracting from the true relationship she should be having with her. I have had to say something similar to the parents of children I've fostered. When the parents/grandparents realize that showering the child with gifts and giving in to all their demands is not helping their relationship they often cooperate. No one wants to be seen simply as the provider of material possessions. Talk it over with your partner and see if you can approach Nan. Let me know how you get on please. Cathy.

Hi, I am 12 years old and a foster child in a family I like very much, but they don't always understand me.
Julia.

CG: Dear Julia, there will be times when your foster parents don't understand you just as you probably don't understand them sometimes. My family and I are the same - it is part of normal family life. My advice would be to talk to them and tell them when you feel they do not understand your position. Good communication is essential in any family but sometimes we forget to talk to our loved ones and just assume they will know what we feel like. Talk to them and explain your worries and I am sure it will help. Cathy x

Dear Cathy, I have a 4 year old daughter who goes to nursery. She stays with my parents during week days as my hubby and I work. We visit her daily after work and bring her home at weekends. I am worried as follows: She is very stubborn and wants things done her way. She interrupts by screaming when my mum is talking to us or even visitors. When we attend family gatherings she will not answer when people talk to her. Is this normal for 4 years kid to behave? Really appreciate your feedback.
Lee

CG: Dear Lee. Please do not worry. Much of your daughter's behaviour is normal for a healthy intelligent child of four. Although I agree that some boundaries need to be put in place. Make sure your parents have the same rules and expectations of behaviour as you and your husband do. If there are two sets of rules it will be very confusing for your daughter. Talk to your parents and find out what they expect in terms of interrupting when an adult is speaking etc. and make sure you are working the same way. I suggest you read my book Happy Kids and follow the 3 Rs. The technique I describe works wonders. Re your last point about not always speaking to people; that is normal. Your daughter is simply exercising her choice, or possibly she may be a bit shy. I wouldn't force the issue. You can encourage her to talk to family members but don't force it. Best Wishes Cathy

Dear Cathy. I am 14 years old and I am reading Damaged. My family and I have been fostering for 1 year. We have a little boy but he really annoys me. Because I'm the youngest so he thinks he can play me round.
Keeley

CG: Dear Keeley, You will see from reading Damaged (and my other books) just what children in a fostering family have to put up with sometimes. However, there is a lot that can be done to help you: first you need to make your mum aware of how you are feeling. It is important. She will be so busy with fostering and running the house that she may not realise just what an effect fostering is having on you. Please tell her. Because the foster child takes up so much time often the natural children in the family get second place. As parents we don't mean to do this, we just assume our own children are okay and concentrate on the foster child and all their problems. Your family needs to spend time alone - just a small time but on a regular basis. Also most fostering agencies now run a support group for the natural children of foster families where you can mix socially and discuss any issues you may have. Check out the one in your area, but first and foremost tell your mum how you feel. Cathy x

Hi Cathy, My daughter of two and a half years has started telling fibs. She smiles and laughs like it is a game. I would like to nip it in the bud if I can.
Barbara

CG: Dear Barbara, I agree it is better to stop this behaviour before it becomes a habit, although I think she could simply grow out of it - as you say it is like a game; there is no malice behind it. However, like you, I would want to 'nip it in the bud.' I suggest you explain to your daughter that the problem with fibbing is that you won't know when she is telling the truth; then if she persists, prove it by using a bit of psychology. I suggest the following: The next time she asks for something e.g. a sweet or TV time refuse it and say, ‘No, I don't think you really want it.’ She will erupt and say, 'Yes I do!' You say, 'But how do I know you do and it isn't a fib?' When she says indignantly, ‘It's not a fib! I really do want a sweet/TV/go to the park.’ Say, 'Oh, I see, well in that case you can have your treat, but you need to stop fibbing otherwise I won't know when you’re telling the truth, will I?' A few times of this and it will stop. It also works with older children whose lying runs deep. Cathy

Hi Cathy, I have been reading your blog and came across the one about the smacking ban. I posted a while back that I was going to stop giving my three girls light smacks and I haven’t smacked them since. However I was wondering what you would suggest when taking away privileges doesn't work? My children don’t seem to care about this, especially my 4 year old, Katie. She understands why she is being told off but when I take away something e.g. TV time the following day she doesn't make the connection. This sparks off a tantrum. Also, taking away TV time punishes my other children who can’t watch the TV either because Katie would be able to watch it. I was wondering what you suggest?
Nikki

CG: Hi Nikki, Well done for not smacking. I have a few suggestions regarding your daughter's behaviour.  Have you tried rewarding her good behaviour? It may seem obvious, but so often bad behaviour is attention seeking which works because we react to negative behaviour and tend to assume good behaviour. That is okay - good behaviour should be the base line, but if a child is going through a particularly challenging time it is worth placing emphasis on the good behaviour as well as sanctioning the negative. The reward doesn't have to be much, just a simple 'Well done! Good girl,' is enough. And don't forget to praise your other children as well or you'll have them playing up. Make sure sanctions are immediate and appropriate. Stopping something the same day is far better than the following day if at all possible. If it has to be the following day then tell the child why they are losing the treat, explain it was because of their unacceptable behaviour the day before. Obviously other children in the family should not be punished because one sibling has done wrong, so if you are using withdrawal of television as the sanction then the child who is being sanctioned should be withdrawn to another room, while the other siblings watch television. It made seem harsh but it is unfair to punish all siblings because one has done wrong; the children will see it is unfair as well. Let me know how you get on. Best Wishes, Cathy

I really wish you had written Happy Kids when my children were younger; mine are 24, 18, 14, and 11 now. The three eldest are boys my youngest is a girl. I could relate completely to the teenage section i.e. messy bedrooms, taking an hour to do anything they are asked! I really enjoyed this book. You explained everything so simply and easy to understand.
Alison.

I have passed on your book Happy Kids to the parents and carers I work with and they have said they find it very helpful and have used many of the strategies mentioned. Keep up the good work!
Emily, Australia.

Pause For Thought: Your children need your presence more than your presents. Jesse Jackson

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